Conversation

I should be in bed, I tell myself to get to bed at least an hour earlier than normal each and everyday, but it never happens. 

Judge Dredd is on and this movie isn't even remotely close to being realistic, it annoys me.  I mean I want my car to glide here and there, why doesn't it? It's 2008 for goodness sake!

Ugh, in such a foul mood (obviously) and I'm still not sure as to what I'm going to do once my lease is up this September.  It's either move to NYC or move who knows where.  Day in and day out I'm trying to figure out why I don't like the idea of moving yet again, or there rather.  According to the boy I'm supposed to give him an answer by Tuesday (yeah, right) as to whether I'll be moving into the Big Apple.  That's not going to happen, I know it's coming up fast but it's not, especially not over night.  I think I've done good enough making the first step in really thinking about the big picture.  It's a lot to handle and I don't really think he understand the extent of it.  I try to explain how I feel to him at times, and when I'm able to verbalize it but all I get are pros he thinks will be good for us.  What about the ones I'm supposed to see for myself?  I still haven't. What am I afraid of? 

Recently I had a conversation with someone about my situation, and anytime I speak to this person I always ask for their honesty, and unbiased opinion.  Here is what they said in a brief conversation.  

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"Did you decide on moving to NY yet or not?

"I still haven't, but I was just stressing about it on my way home again."

"I think you will like me you have so much invested you are afraid if you bail out that you won't find anything close to what you left behind.  You feel that if you give up than you failed him and yourself.  You want to be happy so bad that you will put him first even if it means setting your dreams aside.  You love that boy regardless of what he says or doesn't say.  You are not about to give up, if anything, I think it would be easier on you if he left you because then you would have a reason for disliking him which will make it easier to get over him.  Since he gives you no real good reason you are there to stay sweetie.  I love you to death but it's the truth honey."

"Wow... that's... scary how you put that into words for me, but I feel like I shouldn't go in that track.  It makes me want to cry."

"Aw, you can cry on my shoulder but I still think you are going to go.  Love has you hooked, lined, and sinker babe.  It really does.  What's worst is even if you don't, you are going to miss him hard."

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That really hit me right there, and it's made me ask myself yet another question.  Can I make myself not miss him?  I look at him now and the thought makes me desperate.  Being together for so long and living with each other for two years now, that's BIG.  To then suddenly have it change.  For some odd reason I can't see myself on either side of those fences, why is that? 

Change.  That's what I'm most afraid of, it holds me back SO much and I've tried SO very hard to work on that, but it still gets me.  How can I change it?  I think that's a step I desperately need to figure out. 

-Night